It’s hard to find the line between a high point and a low point. I’m not sure when I started to slip back into a low. Tracing back time to figure out when exactly I started to feel so tired and heavy is hard. I remember when I was home for a bit on July 4th I told my friend I was feeling a lot better. But I remember that dark desire of wanting God to end my life encroaching again only a few days later.
I’m not sure when this started up again, but I just know I feel extremely tired right now. I try not to come out of my room most days to avoid having to talk to my housemates. I dread when I have to greet them and have a conversation. It’s not their fault. They’re amazing people that I think are terrific. It’s mine. I can only have a real conversation with people other than my best friend for a few minutes, even if it’s just an online conversation. It just feels like energy is being sucked out of me. I start to stutter and seem insecure when I don’t even feel that way really. I just want to be alone.
But when I am alone for so long, I am forced to face myself. I am forced to face my thoughts, fears, and emotions. And I always leave confused. I pray and pray and pray. God hears me. I know He does and I know He has a plan, but when I’m in the moment, I feel distant from God. I feel alone and scared. I force myself to swallow whatever it is I’m struggling with each day to get out of bed and go to work. And when I come home, I am so heavy. Each day I get heavier and heavier.
The only thing keeping me upright and giving me strength to stand is that I know God is there for me.